Got Mojo?

What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Homemade gifts?  Breakfast in bed? A new coffee maker?

Did you happen to watch the show The Middle last night?   Frankie (the mom) tells each of her kids what she really wants for Mother’s Day.  She hopes that her kids inform her husband, who usually waits till the last minute and gets something she pretends to like.  Sound familiar?

Give yourself a gift this mother’s day.  Give yourself the gift of rediscovering your MOM MOJO.

Lately, I’ve felt like I’ve lost my “mojo.”  Listening to Marshall Goldsmith’s audiobook Mojo: How To Get It, How To Keep It, How To Get it Back If You Lose It was just what my spirit needed to get back into forward motion.  The ideas in this book have helped me to reconnect with what matters most during a time when I felt lost and distracted.

Goldsmith’s operational definition of Mojo (click here to watch a 3 min. video) is as follows:

Mojo

is that positive spirit

toward what we are doing

now

that starts from the inside

and radiates to the outside.

As you listen to his definition, think about how you — as a mom, are the leader he is talking about, and your family is the company you lead.

When you have Mojo — you love what you do and it shows.

How’s you Mom Mojo?

Do you love what you do?  Do you show it?  Does your joy and happiness about what you do radiate from the inside out?

I must confess, I had lost mine.  I was experiencing a bit of “NOJO” — feeling like a victim, obligated, uninterested, indifferent, asleep, and marching in place.  Everything from the rainy, dreary weather, to all the driving around after school, was getting me down.

Reading Goldsmith’s book was timely for me!  I was slipping into the abyss and becoming concerned that things would only get worse when all four kids tumbled home for summer and the driving around to activities increased exponentially.

Taking the Mojo scorecard helped me to log my daily activity as a mom and take a look at how meaningful and satisfied I am in the moments of my day.  As I completed the scorecard, I was able to connect to the meaning of the tasks and step into the gratitude I had for being the one doing this task. (You can download the scorecard here.)

Give yourself a gift this Mother’s Day.  Download the Mojo Scorecard and complete one for yourself each day for a week.  Let me know what happens?  I guarantee you’ll look at your life differently after doing this.  You may even uncover or rediscover your Mom Mojo!

Want to talk more about this?  Schedule a complimentary 30 minute strategy session with me and let’s talk about finding your Mojo!  If you live near Barrington, attend a local meet up.  If you’re longing for more Mojo and looking for a retreat — join us for one of our summer workshops.

The post Mom Mojo: A Gift For You appeared first on Rayanne Coy Coaching, LLC.

What’s Your Family Talking About At Meal Time?

Ever stop to notice what it looks and feels like to dine with your family?

I did … and the experience was not pretty.

Think about what happens for you around dinner time.  You’re busy creating a healthy meal that you hope your family will enjoy. You’re watching the clock because you know you’ve got to be somewhere soon to pick someone up.

You have this image in your head about having your children present and eagerly helping you set the table, yet they are nowhere to be found or suddenly so interested in doing homework.

As I step back into gratitude for a moment, I think about how blessed we are to be able to sit down together at meal time!!  I value this time together and I don’t take it lightly!

Yet, last night, I noticed that the energy I brought to that space was stressed, bedraggled, and rushed.

I wonder if what’s happening for me is happening at other dinner tables?

We have a brief window in between driving or picking up from extracurricular activities.  It’s the first time we’ve all been together and we all want to speak and be heard.  We lack the energy to truly listen to each other.  All of this can be a recipe for disaster.

You are a difference maker in your family and a leader — you can take responsibility for the energy you bring to the table and bring about a shift.  But how?

Sorry, I can’t give you a detailed step-by-step “how to.”  I’m not at your table and I don’t know your family.  What I can share with you — are thoughts that occurred to me.

This weekend, a wonderful man spoke at church and one of the simple ideas he conveyed was around the word JOY.  J stands for putting Jesus first, O is for Others second, and S for Self third.

His sermon made me think … If I, as a mother, am to put Jesus or God first in my life, how do I do this?  Where do I begin?

Then, a colleague of mine gave me a journal with Psalms.  What if I brought this journal to the table?  What if I brought one “divinely-led” question to the dinner table?  What could happen?

Today I will bring the word “service” to the family table.  I’ll ask:

How did you serve others today?  What “acts of helpful activity” did you have today?

I won’t expect anything in return or that all of a sudden the dinner conversation will shift to this place where everyone embraces the question with excitement.  Rather, I’ll put the question out there and see what happens.  I will gently invite God back to the dinner table.

Have you dined with the Divine lately?  What could you do tonight to bring the Divine back to the table?   I’d love to hear your stories and see pictures of you and your family dining with divine.  Share them with me on my Facebook page or Twitter.

The post Dining With The Divine appeared first on Rayanne Coy Coaching, LLC.

Just as a kite surfer shifts in the wind, so too must we learn how to make shifts to live the life we want

“At times, I may feel lost on my own journey.

During times of change—a new job, relationship, or living situation, I may need to break free of bonds that bind me.

As I let go of feelings of unworthiness or inadequacy and release shame or guilt, I claim my freedom.

Nothing can keep me from being all I was created to be. I am whole and I am free!”

This quote from the Daily Word, March 26, 2013, struck me this morning as something that I think we all feel, yet how do we actually achieve this freedom?  Is it possible to feel free?

I spend a great deal of time listening to others describe their pain.  The one thing that rings true, is that this pain is so real and entrenched, it’s not going to budge.  So, even though the person speaks of what’s painful about their personal life, and they want things to be different, they stay the same.

Why? Is this the way we want to live?

What if we knew that there were “shifts” in life that occur naturally.  Natural shifts like:

• Baby makes three
• My child is now a tween with a mind of his own
• Navigating the teen years
• Empty nest … now what?
• My dad is less able to care for him self

What if you knew more about how to handle these shifts?

While walking along the beach on a very windy day, my husband and I came across kite surfers.  Ever watched a kite surfer? Talk about spontaneous risk taking!  These surfers would jump on the surf board and fly through the waves at amazing speeds.  How do they do this?

As I watched them I couldn’t help but think — how freeing it must feel to be a kite surfer.

I know nothing about kite surfing.  What occurred to me was that — they must get good at making shifts.  The wind shifts and they shift.

Notice how your life is made up of shifts.  What could it be like if you got good at making these shifts?  What would it take?

Here’s how you can stay connected while we dedicate some time to this topic:

• Subscribe to our ezine
• Join us for a “Meet up”
• Join one of our “Lean In” CIrcles
• Schedule a complimentary strategy session
• Work with Rayanne one-on-one

Stay tuned so you can “jump on your surf board and soar!”

The post Learning To Make Life Shifts Makes A Difference appeared first on Rayanne Coy Coaching, LLC.

I spent the day being “home base” because all four teens were home from school today!

It sure was fun sleeping in and not making lunches!! We received the news the day before.  It was so nice to know we were having a “snow day” instead of guessing, anticipating, and being set up for disappointment.

Enjoying the day off today made me think about how great it would feel if we would get in the habit of treating ourselves to a snow day every now and then.  Or, even for a few hours.

As parents, we’ve got a lot on our minds, especially if you’re a parent whose kids are going through a time of transition, or you’re going through one yourself.  Seems like we move from one phase to the next.  Some times without even stopping to breathe.

Please join me for a “snow day” of sorts — a virtual cafe for parents of tweens and teens.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
1:00 – 2:00 p.m. CST (2:00 – 3:00 EST)
Dial-in: 1-267-507-0240
Conference code: 525694

This call is complimentary and will focus on discussing the unique parenting challenges we face.

Watch this video for more details!

I really hope you can join the call and would love to hear your story!  Please email me at rayannecoy@mac.com to let me know you’ll be there!

The post Your “Snow Day” appeared first on Rayanne Coy Coaching, LLC.

He shared a story from the Bible (Martha and Mary are visited by Jesus (Luke 10:38-42)) and I couldn’t help but tear up just thinking about how I often feel like Martha — overwhelmed, exhausted, and unappreciated.

One of the take away points was to look at my life right now as though it were a bucket.  Is my bucket full, near empty, or somewhere in between?  Draw a bucket and then a line showing where you are.  How does it feel to be there?

No matter where you are (full, empty, or in the middle), take time to notice the five or six things that you do to replenish.  These things you do to replenish are unique to you.  Is it exercise? Recreation? Meaningful work?  What fills you up?  What fuels you?

Naming what replenishes me, helps me to take responsibility for my self and my happiness.  When I feel “full” I am able to be more present — a better parent, wife and friend.

What replenishes you?  What could happen for you and your relationships if you took responsibility for bringing more of this into your life today?

The post Emotionally Intelligent Parents Stay Fueled appeared first on Rayanne Coy Coaching, LLC.

Feeling at my worst helps me to see my true value and value others!

In this moment, I realize that I have a love/hate relationship with my “mom job” and I’m basking in the “hate” part. So, if you are in a happy place as a parent and you don’t want to be disturbed, please exit out of this blog now.

This blog is meant to serve those who secretly hate parts of their mom/parenting job.

Perhaps it’s time for me to share a bit of my personal story so you can see that my passion for this ministry called “Families At Their Best” comes from a deeper dissatisfaction of the role I play as housewife.

As an ex-professional-stay-at-home mom, in some ways I feel overqualified for this “mom job,” and in other ways, I’m not qualified enough. I’m an older parent who is determined to have it as good as it can get, and maximize the time I spend in joy and peace of mind. My friends give me sage advice like “just you wait — little kids little problems, big kids big problems.”  I have four teens and I’m hoping that the teen years are less about focusing on problems and more about establishing trusting relationships.

Even though I’m taking a stand for being an individual who strives to be at my best and create a “family best,” it’s a given that I’m not always going to feel at my best or perform at my personal best.  Often, I feel at my worst.

As moms, we try things out for the first time and we often feel unsure of ourselves,  and second guess our intuition and decisions.  In my role as a coach and parent advocate, I provide a supportive and safe space to come together and talk about the challenges parents face.  Being together in this sacred way helps us see our situation newly, choose a new mind-set, and take conscious and intentional action.

This feeling of not liking being in the trenches as a parent came to light for me the other night after I attended the final session of Willowcreek’s “Forward” series. Pastor Bill Hybels did a fantastic job of using a racing sailboat metaphor to explain the importance of finding our spiritual gift and plugging-in to the church using our gift for the betterment of the church. I love his vision and was captivated by his talk. I am a Catholic who enjoys visiting Willowcreek for spiritual enrichment and I see the need for all churchgoers to serve our churches using their unique spiritual gifts. As a life coach, I’m curious about why so many of us do not come forward to volunteer our gifts or do not feel “plugged in” to the church.

Later that evening, while getting ready to prepare dinner, I started to feel badly about all of the housewife tasks I have to do to keep this family going. I started to think back to Bill’s talk and see that perhaps my role was in “the pit” or “sewer” of my family “boat” and not so glamorous, yet essential to the functioning of the overall family/team. I started to see that as family members, we have jobs to do, just as they do on a racing sailboat. Some of the jobs just aren’t so much fun.

Part of my job is to get dinner ready each night so we can sit down to a family dinner. The family time we share at meal-time is super important to us. Yet, getting things all together each time is not always fun. Some days I love looking for just the right food to serve, but today, all I could think about was how doing this part of my job made me feel like I was in the “sewer” of the boat folding sails and doing the icky stuff. I’d rather be in the “brain trust” area of the boat setting the strategy and the course (or at least ordering out pizza).

I began to think about what Bill said as it related to my home. I saw that I’m doing many tasks that I don’t really enjoy doing, yet I know that they are important and critical to the overall functioning of the home.  I wondered if other moms feel the same way.

Sometimes I devalue my skills as a cook. When I’m in this place of devaluing my skills and feeling under-appreciated, my mood shifts and I’m not pleasant to be around.

I felt resentful as I watched my husband and our kids lounging in front of TV or working at their computer. I had this sinking feeling that I really don’t like my job.

While preparing dinner, I went into the pantry to get the vegetable oil and the bottle fell out of my grasp and spilled all over the pantry floor. I lost my cool, and said things I regret. My kids rushed to help me and all I could say was something negative like “I’m going to go out and get a job and then you’ll appreciate all that I do for you because you’ll have to do it yourself.” Yes, even us Screamfree Parenting facilitators aren’t always Screamfree!

My bigger dream is that together we will grow the social and emotional skills (EQ) of the people responsible for developing the next generation of talent. Parents, teachers, coaches, executives and managers will speak a common language when it comes to how we relate to one another and our children.

What could it be like if we as parents understood more about our emotions, knew how to name them, manage them, see others who have them, and strengthen relationships using conscious and intentional thoughts and actions?

To do this requires a great deal of self-awareness. We must be aware of our own emotions and be adept at self-management. We must become more “other aware”(become better listeners, more empathic, and compassionate) and strive to have better relationship management skills (conflict resolution, building bonds, interpersonal relations).

Perhaps by highlighting the part of me that hates being in the trenches and doing all the housewife/mother/admin tasks is a good thing. I recognize my emotions and I see that this part of my job does NOT define me.  I can look at this part of my job objectively and find ways to enjoy it more. I can value it and see it as critical.

Sometimes we need to feel “at our worst” and get to know our emotions, so we can stand back and give LOVE to the part of us that feels bad.  Today, I will value myself and others, knowing how difficult it can be in whatever trench you are in, and how good it can feel, to be seen, understood, and valued.

The post Growing EQ: The Love/Hate Relationship I Have With Being A Mom appeared first on Rayanne Coy Coaching, LLC.

Find your chair, spend time listening to your heart, discover your spiritual gifts, deploy them, and be in your Divine Flow.

Ever find yourself wanting to take control of your life and your relationships?   Do you like to:

• Steer things in a certain direction?
• Know how things are going to turn out?
• Keep things in order and dislike mess and chaos?

I can relate.  There’s a part of me that fits that description and wants things to be a certain way.

As I look back on the events of my life, I can see that the beauty of life is in how I handled the ups and downs of the journey.  Making the best of the way things turned out was (and still is) my motto.

In my twenties, it was about who to marry and how to get promoted.  My thirties were consumed with the struggle to have children, an infertility battle, stressful work, and fear about how to balance work and family.

In my forties, I “found my chair” as Bill Hybels, Pastor of Willowcreek Community Church, put it recently in one of his sermons.  I created a daily practice of reading a prayer and a bible passage and writing about what was happening at that particular point in time.  Over a span of 7 years, I found myself in a relationship with God.  I looked forward to my quiet time writing.  As I wrote, I listened to my heart and his word.  Things started to change for me.  I became more aware of who I am, what holds me back, what I fear, and what’s truth.  I trained to serve others as a life coach.

In my 50’s, I’m much more content, I have a family that I adore, and I’m eager to be in the “Divine Flow.”

What’s divine flow?  It’s when you trust that God is with you and you are right where you are meant to be.  You’re aware of God’s support for you.  God’s Grace and unconditional love brings forth self-love.  You’ve learned how to ask and you actively receive guidance from people and situations easily and right when you need it.

Sometimes it’s easier to notice others who are in the divine flow.

I watched my husband write a book.  It took him several years and it wasn’t easy, yet it was what he felt compelled to do. People always ask how he managed to write a book, work full-time as a physician, and be an active and involved husband, father and friend. My answer is that he was in the divine flow.  The words of the book practically flew out of him.  He was divinely guided and compelled by something greater.

Lately, I’ve been wishing to be in “divine flow.”  I wish for clarity and focus.  Am I doing the right thing?  I want to feel the support of knowing that I’m doing the work I’m called to do and serving others.  I’m a mother of four teens dedicated to developing the next generation of talent.  I take my job seriously.  I enjoy supporting other parents on their journey of being a “Family At Their Best.”

Yesterday, Bill Hybels, spoke about the importance of becoming aware of our unique spiritual gifts and deploying them for the greater good of the church.  He asked:

“How does God want to use you to touch a life to move forward?”

It was then, that I realized … I’m already in my divine flow and I don’t even see it.

How about you?

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff—they comfort me.”—Psalm 23:4

The post Are You In The Divine Flow And Not Seeing It? appeared first on Rayanne Coy Coaching, LLC.

Dream big and listen to your heart.

I’m taking inspiration from my 6th grader as she auditions for a summer dance camp.  As I watch her step into the exciting world of the unknown, I can’t help but feel inspired and excited for her.  Her “auditioning-for-something-energy” inspires me to see how change is good!

It feels great to leave what’s comfortable (my local community) and venture out into the world of the unknown to pursue a dream.

Just being here in downtown Chicago at the Lou Conte Dance Studio has inspired me to think about all that I may be missing as I stay stuck on the sidelines doing the same old routine.  This dance studio sits right off highway 290 and it was so easy to get to.  It is also next to an awesome Target store where I sit here to type this blog.  We moms feel at home in our target store!

Maybe you’re reading this post and you’re someone who wants something different for your life in 2013.  Let me offer up one way to jump start yourself.  It’s simple.

Seek out a change of scenery!

All you need to do is take a few hours for yourself and go to a place that you don’t usually go to.  For me, it was going downtown to Chicago and feeling the energy of the city.

What will it be for you?

The post Jump Start Something appeared first on Rayanne Coy Coaching, LLC.

It’s Possible No One Will Show UP

This is how I imagined the turn out would be for my first “Meet Up.” I was “OK” with the possibility of being all alone.  After the week I had at home with my four teens, a little quiet time was looking good to me.

Here’s the question that got me into scheduling face-to-face “meet ups:”

“What’s worth doing even if I fail?”
Try asking yourself this question this week and see what comes up for you.  It’s a powerful question, especially for those of us who know we’re meant to be contributing, yet we remain on the sidelines.

What seems worth doing for me?

Staying connected, face-to-face or virtual, and keeping the learning alive related to becoming our best, as parents, leaders, or difference makers.  Part of the problem is that we’ve lost our face-to-face connection with each other as we all run around doing what matters and spending more time on technology.  I love technology and all that’s available to me on the internet, but I also find that this has taken me away from getting out and connecting with others.

You know how it feels to be a parent some days, right?  What’s important is that we have each other to celebrate our successes and morn our mistakes in the spirit of learning and striving to be a parent at our best.  Yet, we feel vulnerable as they grow older and things change.  So, it’s easier to keep to our self and be more private.

When this “Meet Up” technology came across my email, I jumped at the chance to try it out, hoping to infuse new energy and spark something new.  I also wondered if parents want to get back to the basics — connecting with each other.

The chances were slim that anyone would show up. Not because they don’t want to come, but because all those other important things command our attention.

Lucky for me, I didn’t have to sit alone for long. A former workshop-mate Cindy joined me and two hours later we left feeling great and relishing the gift we gave each other.  One of the gifts Cindy gave me is a new realization that “less is more.”  Instead of measuring my success on how many people come … measure it by the quality of the interaction of what happened!  I really enjoy having deeper, richer conversations one-on-one or in a small group.  And, that’s exactly what happened.

Funny how things work out. I ran into Cindy unexpectedly at the high school on conference night. We laughed about how I pictured myself being all alone at this first “Meet Up” for parents of tweens. We joked about the thought of me sitting in an empty coffee shop ALL ALONE. She said she felt so bad, that she had to come, and we are both so glad she did! We ended up having such a great time trading stories, getting clear on what’s important, underlining our opportunities for growth, and celebrating the great job we’re already doing!

I must confess — I broke my promise.  I ended up giving Cindy the first free gift (SO SORRY) instead of putting all the names in a hat and drawing a lucky winner.  I truly apologize!  Just got caught up in the moment.

Please continue to sign up for our “Meet Up” group even if you won’t be able to come.  An exciting Free Gift will be given to one lucky member who’s name we will draw and announce after each meet up.

One of my favorite authors, Brene Brown, Ph.D., LMSW asks this question in her book Daring Greatly: How The Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead and I wonder what will happen when you ask it of yourself?

What’s worth doing even if I fail?

The post Less Is More appeared first on Rayanne Coy Coaching, LLC.

Anticipating The Next Rapid

What if someone could snap a picture of you while you were experiencing one of your most difficult moments of the day? What would this picture say about your emotional intelligence as a parent?

That’s what happened to me on a family vacation while I was whitewater rafting on the Middle Fork of the Flathead river in Glacier National Park.

What does this photo tell me about my energy and emotion as a parent?  How can becoming aware of my emotion help improve my parenting and my relationships?

Take a look at the photo in this post.  Notice the expression on the face of my son, Nick.  He is the blond in the front of the boat with the huge smile and wide-eyed look on his face.  He welcomes the upcoming rapid with a look of delight.  My 13 year-old son, Matt,  is seated behind Nick.  He, too, is looking at what’s ahead with excitement and wonder.  Similar to the anticipation of a child at Christmas.  Now notice the look on my face.  I’m seated behind Matt and second to the last in the boat.  The look on my face is pure fear and determination mixed with “when’s this going to be over?”  My expression and thoughts are a sharp contrast to the wonder and excitement of my sons.   My emotions — fear and determination.  My usual “Coy Joy” was nowhere to be found.

As I reflect back on that moment, I clearly remember feeling like I was in a life or death situation.  In fact, we joke about how I would yell — “row harder” to my sons in a panic tone of voice.  When I see the look on my two sons’ faces and how excited they were, it makes me wonder why I wasn’t feeling more like they were — excited and full of anticipation of the good that was yet to come.  Was I really in a life or death situation?  How was my thought of life or death situation, and my emotion of fear and panic serving me?

Emotional intelligence is the ability to be aware of our own emotions and those of others, in the moment, and to use that information to manage ourselves and our relationships (Dr. Laura Belsten, founder of The Institute for Social + Emotional Intelligence).  What I’ve come to learn is that my social and emotional intelligence is flexible and can be improved over time with consistent practice by following these steps:

Step 1: Become self aware.  Notice, identify, and name the emotion I am experiencing in the moment.

Step 2:   Understand the source of the emotion.  What triggers this emotion?

Step 3:  Ask:  How is this serving me? How is this emotion serving my relationships with others?

Step 4:  Manage my response.

As I learn how to become more “self” and “other” aware and learn to self-manage, I will be able to manage my relationships more effectively and improve them in the long run.  Quite doable if we care enough to give it our attention and commitment of time and practice.

How are you experiencing the challenges of parenting?

• Take some time this week to notice your emotion.
•  Ask how the emotion is serving you?
•  Understand the source or trigger.
•  Choose your response.

Whether you are in the midst of a tantrum at the grocery store, or frustrated with your child because s/he is not doing what you ask, just take a moment to go through the steps.

As parents, we are responsible for the energy we bring to our space.   Go into your moments with more self-awareness, self-management, other-awareness and relationship management.  Strive to become a more emotionally intelligent parent!

I look forward to exploring this concept more in the upcoming parenting workshop — The Emotional Intelligent Parent on October 25th from 12:30-2:00 p.m.  Email me at rayannecoy@mac.com to register today.  Class is limited to 8 parents.

The post The Emotional Intelligent Parent: Riding The Rapids Of Parenting appeared first on Rayanne Coy Coaching, LLC.