Subtle Forms Of Bullying
In 8th grade, Alison* worried when her best
friend Madison stopped returning her
phone calls, and made excuses to avoid
getting together. As Madison became more
involved with a new group of girls, Alison was
bewildered and heartbroken to log onto
Facebook and see that she had been left out of
parties and other fun.
One day, when Alison sat
at the school lunch table, a girl told her, “You
have my seat.” She moved, but another girl said
the same thing. By the end of the week, she
found herself alone and ignored at the end of the
table – physically and socially isolated from the
group.
Social exclusion is a subtle form of bullying that
is common among tweens (9-12 year-olds).
Children (especially girls) use it to establish
social power and position, and although it’s
sometimes brushed off as a regrettable but
normal phase, it is actually a painful form of
social aggression that can leave lasting emotional
scars. A 2006 study showed that peer rejection
hurts kids socially and academically, as
ostracized children avoid school and activities to
spare themselves pain.
“There were a lot of tears,” said Alison’s mom,Nancy. “It created so much self-doubt and really
damaged her self-esteem.”
When your child is excluded, here are ways that you can help:
• Stay calm and connected. It’s much easier for your tween to open
up if you can act as a sounding board. Children this age often shut
down and try to solve problems by themselves when they feel they
can’t talk to parents. Avoid making judgment statements or
condemning the socially aggressive child. Instead, try short,
simple questions like, “What will you do?” or empathize with
words like, “That really hurts.”
• Be a conscious parent. The most important thing you can do is to
reframe your thinking and realize that that you are the only person
that you can control. Resist the temptation to react emotionally,
and remember your long-term goals as a parent. Although painful,
this is an important learning moment for your child. Do you want
to lecture, or help your child find his or her own way?
• Encourage emotional self-awareness, compassion and empathy.
Help your child get in touch with his or her feelings. Are they
feeling sad, hurt, disappointed, angry or jealous? Listen carefully,
and encourage your child to talk about what being excluded feels
like. When other kids are being excluded, remind your child how
it felt and encourage him or her to treat others kindly.
• Help your child discover coping skills. If you expect exclusion
to happen at some point in your child’s life, it’s easier to approach
it as an experience that helps develop critical social and emotional
skills. Ask simple, thoughtful questions like, “What’s another way
you might approach this?” Stay open, curious, and interested to
help your child see alternative ways to manage the situation.
Let your child handle it his or her way, and ask how it went. You
can help your child view mistakes as chances to learn, and also
support creative problem solving.
• Process your feelings in private. It’s painful to watch your child
suffer through social rejection, but don’t add to the drama by
reacting with anger or sadness. Instead, vent your feelings to a
trusted friend. You may have painful memories of being excluded
now or as a child, but it’s not helpful to share the details.
Above all, remember your creative, resourceful child is strong
enough to figure it out. Your solid belief in him or her builds
confidence and is a reassurance that everything will be okay.
Alison eventually decided to let go of the group that excluded her
and reach out to others. “She worked hard through the year to
build friendships one at a time. By the end, she had a mix of new
friends,” Nancy said. “I’m really proud of her.”
*names changed.
This article was written by Rayanne Coy and published in the Sept/Oct 2011 issue of Our Family Magazine.
© September / October 2011 Our Family Magazine Visit us online at www.ourfamilymag.com
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
Great article and one that should be shared with schools. The ‘mean girl’ phenomena is alive and well. It would be very beneficial to have schools conduct workshops with tween girls to 1) help them be more observant of this type of behavior, 2) provide coping behaviors and 3) clearly identify it as a form of bullying. Girls can be very ‘subtle’ in their bullying, which makes it much more difficult to intervene compared to physical bullying.
Thanks for sharing!